Life Gets In The Way of Living...

What the Fuck...?

Tue, 27 Jul 2004 09:46:24 GMT

So, big question i've been asked lately is... "what's going on? i'm confused" Well here we go. Remember when i said that i had only very slight slight chance of moving to SLO? Well I'm now living in SLO. I have a new job working in salads at Tahoe Joes, where i work fucking harder then i've ever worked. It's time to start my life over. Too many ghost creeping in the shadows of me. Yeah, it's emo so bleed ashes die die. Anyway, since i'm here to start my life over, this is what i'm doing. I'm making an new AIM screen name and Live Journal, and it's gonna be friends only, so if you want to be added, then comment and i'll add u if i like you, which in most cases i should. Also if i add u there i'll give you my new sn, otherwise i don't care to give my sn away to strangers or people i don't care for. So so with that, here's the link to my new lj...

BleedAshesDieDied

Dodo Dodo Dodo Dodo, The Worst is Over...

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 06:26:37 GMT

"...so when the horses come
i wont scream or cry
i've been dieing for them to take my life
i'll sing an new birth
a past unscratched
so don't be sad
we should both rejoice
to the sound of those hooves
down that dark highway
in opposite directions
where ever they dump us we'll stay
recycled lovers get so carried away..."

I guess sometimes i just care for people more then they can ever possibly care for me, but that still doesn't/wont change the way i feel about them. They tell me to get over them, or try to tell me to not love them, that i should love someone else, but the thing is that i don't/can't love anyone else but you. A love that will stay in my heart till in the sleep that i'll suffocate on my dieing breath. Know someone loved you and could have made you happy. I guess friends is all we'll stay cause that's what you chose to be, be it you don't feel the same or are afraid to, or don't want to, or can't. No offense, but if you felt the same way, it wouldn't have taken this long to decide, i love you and always will babe. If u care about me the way i do for you, the next move is yours, and if u truly do, please make it, don't sell your self short, but if not, then bye for now.

"...Alive
I'm staying Alive
kicking and screamin
blood boiling and steamin
i'm staying Alive.."

Sat, 24 Jul 2004 09:22:26 GMT

Dear Andrea,

What you said I agree with and disagree with. But over all it's what you want and i have to comply cause it's all about your happiness. You told me it's good that i'm moving for several reasons, a main one for us to move on. If you want to move on that's fine, please, i don't want your heart to hurt. But you have to understand, i don't want anyone else, so i probably wont be with anyone for a very very long time, cause you're all i can think and dream about. I'm in love with you and that's how i feel, nothing will change that. I would love you from 10 miles away living here, or 180 miles living there, either way i only want you Andrea and would be here in a heart beat for you if you ever wanted me to or needed me to. But if you feel it can't work if i'm here or out there, then that's fine. Move on, live your life, don't let me hold u back, or feel guilty. I'm sure other men will love you and want to be with you that you will love, but no one will love you the way i love you, and in my heart, you'll always be there. If it's meant to be then it's meant to be. Maybe one day, be it tomorrow or months, years, you name it, it can work. I mean, you make me the happiest/luckiest guy in the world, and i hope i make you happy. No one's more right then we are for each other in my opinion, but that's just my opinion and i'm sure you probably think/feel different. When I kissed u tonight i felt home, not in T.O., not in SLO, but with you, in my heart. The show was great, and i would not have wanted to experience it with anyone but you. I love you Andrea. I love you for you're beauty, your personality, for you smile, for your laugh, for your ska'ness, but over all i just love you. So i know u're having your oral surgery tomorrow, and i wish u luck, i'll call u to see how u are, but if you read this, u'll know how i feel. I love you, and will never forget you, or what could have been if u chose to be with me. Though i'm leaving, and should be already gone when u read this, i gave my heart to, when i kissed u tonight, i don't want it back, so keep it, even if i can't see or talk to u, it's yours, know some loves u and still does, and would be with u now or when ever you wanted. To me hopefully, it's only a matter of time. Thank you for letting me kiss you and see how beautiful you were in my arms one more time. I'll never forget it or you.

Yours Always,
Mike

...Sunrise to a Sunset, You're Manic or You're Depressed, Will You Ever Feel Ok...

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 05:03:22 GMT

There are somethings that I've kept from everyone I know and love. If told, most of you would hate me for a long time or wanna help me which I don't want any of. That's why I think I'm definitely leaving for SLO, to leave these ghost to rot and be embedded in your memories as thoughts, and even if I don't move, I wont be the same person.

I can honestly say that I'm in love with what I can't have, so this should help me. Ummmm... I think this might be my last journal post, so yeah, thank for taking your time to read this, for the people that do.

Song of the moment I just listed, my favorite lyrics:

"Did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?
Like the sun's just gonna drop if it's night you demand.
Well, in the dark we're just air so the house might dissolve.
Once we're gone,
who's gonna care if we were ever here at all?
Well, summer's gonna come
it's gonna cloud our eyes again.
No need to focus when there's nothing that's worth seeing.
So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales.
I think you lost what you loved in that mess of details.
They seemed so important at the time
now you can't even recall any names, faces, or lines.
It's more the feeling of it all.
Well, winter's gonna to end
and I'm gonna clean these veins again.
So close to dying that I finally can start living
Alright
...Beautiful Music...
...Followed by Eccentric Interview with Conor..."

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 17:01:38 GMT

In regards to my last journal post: totally inappropriate of me. I was sad/bitter/really tired and depressed and mostly jealous. If you're happy the way you are stay that way, don't change anything for anyone, i'm cool being friends if that's what it takes, cause i'd rather be friends then nothing at all. =)

once again sorry...

Isn't it Ironic, dont' you think?

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 07:56:41 GMT

So yeah, I might move to San Luis Obispo after all, but the chances are very very very slim to none. I have the opportunity to move in with Kevin and his buddy in their new place in mid August, but here's the catch, i don't have the money. I need a loan and i need it bad, i can't get it my self, and i would have to co-sign with someone, and that it's self is close to impossible. If anyone knows of a good place to get a loan from, please please please tell me. Cause if i get that loan, goodbye T.O., hello S.L.O.

So you ask, wow, what's with the sudden change of heart Mike?

Here's why. I hate this place, it's like a tomb waiting grab my feet with it's dirty hands and drag me further and further in. This is my chance to move on and live my life, even if it is hard as hell, but like i said it's almost close to impossible, so probably tomorrow, i'll be making a post about how i'm not going to be able to do it and how sad i am.

To the girl i want, she knows who she is, cause i only want one girl.

Sad i'm not saying this to you in person or even phone or online, cause i have no guts, but deep down inside, i'm like everyone else. You know i want you, you even told the guy you're dating now that u couldn't date him cause u wanted me cause i made u feel happier. Were u just confused or lying? When i kissed u at your door step, did your heart not beat faster, did you not breath faster or face grow flush? I dunno, and i don't care cause either way i still feel the same about you. When i kiss and touch you i feel like i'm home. We can make each other happy and i know it, i know you're confused but u have to figure this out. I might not be here for much longer, and if i'm not i want to spend it with you. I might end up being here an other semester and i still want to spend that with you, cause when it comes down to it, i only want you, i can't even think about anyone else. You tell me to date other girls who deserve me, babe, u deserve me and i deserve you. Give it a try. And if by now u still want him then fine, i've done all i can do and that's the end of it, though u know my feelings for u wont change, because i know deep down in my heart you're my girl. So you date him, if he makes you happy, great, be happy, but I can make you happy too. I can make you blush, and feel beautiful, and no, they arn't just words coming out of my mouth cause they're the true way i feel about you, i'll make you feel beautiful and amazing because you are. I want nothing more then you, now it just depends on if i'm good enough for you, or right for you in your heart. So figure this out, make your choice, i'm waiting for you, and even if i do move which is highly unlikely, i will still be waiting for you, who else will do that for you, cause who ever wouldn't should. This is way long, and these words don't do justice to how i feel about you, but it's the best i can do for now. You make my life worth it. I'm not saying this so i win u over, i'm saying this for you to think about. So here's the main question babe, what makes you happy, cause you make me happy.

I'm sorry i've had to say this, i understand if u don't want to talk to me, but it's the only way i can say it. Take as long as you need to figure it out.
Your move babe.

P.S.

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 11:15:44 GMT

Anne just helped me write this, it was fun:

Increments of Seven

Doors fold wide lifting feet swiftly by
Take a seat to an empty face
Gazing through fractured glass eyes drift past
See the lights flicker by through time
Watch the youth play their favorite games
This city has warn from golden ages
Graffiti art tattered on monuments of architecture
The whithered couples wont end this preaching
Of how the years come and go
The next stop's commin and I'm defeated
From the longest day of saddened truth
A whole life can pass through minutes
And every second we're born to die
But then again, i'm just fucking around

HELP!

Mon, 19 Jul 2004 09:45:56 GMT

Why does everything i write never seem good to me, it can be ok, but it's not amazing. You know, sub par. Why can't i write something you'd want to read over and over again and go "god, what goes on in that guys head to write something so amazing like that", like Conor Oberst(Bright Eyes) , Tim Kasher(Cursive/The Goodlife) , Dustin Kensrue(Thrice) , or Thom Yorke(Radiohead) . I hope one day i can open up and write such beauty. Maybe i need something really fucked up to happen to me or be manic/depressed like Conor and Tim, or worry about political and world issues like Dustin, or maybe i'll just be a fucking nut like Thom. Who knows, but they're all fucking brilliant geniuses. Maybe when the right music and situation presents it's self i can, cause all my writing of late, has just been so flat, empty, boring, constantly looking for styles of others for motivation when i should be finding my own. Lets hope i can get it write, or not at all.

Bright Eyes: Nothing Gets Crossed Out
The future has got me worried, such awful thoughts.
My head is a carousel of pictures.
The spinning never stops.
I just want someone to walk in front and I'll follow the leader.
Like when I fell under the weight of a schoolboy crush.
I started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs.
I almost forgot who I was, but came to my senses.
Now I try to be assertive.
I'm making plans.
I want to rise to the occasion, yeah, meet all of their demands...

Cursive: The Martyr
...and thusly it ends
depression seeps in on a lonely messiah
now he drinks with the lepers
losing a limb
his better half
a glass once half full
a head hung half-mast
he claims he's the victim
strangled by the nine-to-five
and a pattern of stillness
that haunted this still life...

Thrice: Under A Killing Moon
the air my lungs first loved
carves craters from my eyes
they said 'breathe deeply son
or be the next to die'
Beneath the falling night
and heaven's shutting gate
pray keep your tongue held tight
or suffer the same fate...

Radiohead: Pryramid Song
I jumped in the river and what did I see?
Black-eyed angels swam with me
A moon full of stars and astral cars
All the things I used to see
All my lovers were there with me
All my past and futures
And we all went to heaven in a little row boat
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt...

Borrowed Words for Time to Pass

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 23:20:10 GMT

There's something I've been meaning to say
that's been stopped too many times
I've try to express in a sweetened coated of meaning
That makes you rot and decay internally
I've lost truth in all this fiction
borrowed words for time to pass
it's a shame how jealous i've become
since the nights u laughed
You give me words of how i love you
you give me thoughts of what can be
it's kinda sad but mostly lonesome
of how pathetic i would be

but how have you been

There's a pebble in your driveway
that i've been saving for a similar time
open your window
so u can watch me drop to by my feet
i would have climbed the faultiest tree
to your bedroom for a kiss to tell
limbs and branches of wood and iron crack to dismay
but still i'd keep onto this focus
of how our love would never fade
and i thank our god the branch snapped
and i never reached the top
i might have broken a few bones
and chipped a couple teeth
but it's so much better then a fractured heart
could ever be

So i'll borrow words to pass the time
A couple notes that come out bald and dry
but it's better then hanging from your yarn and twine
In a way you help me right this sadness
You help me cry from all the pain
But in the end i know that I'll still remain
Tell me, does this reall matter
do you read it and start to change
or do you just laugh and make fun to my face

Sparks or Bruises

Sat, 17 Jul 2004 01:43:42 GMT

What's the definition of these motions?
does it spark when struck
or do all it cause are bruises
I've been hit so many times
that I've lost the count and I lost this feeling
Can you tell me, what were we fighting for?

What's the definition of a sin
was it wrong for you
or was it right for god
I've committed so many lies
That I've lost the will and I'm feeling
I guess I feeling fine
Tell me, what were we hoping for?

I've been lost so many times
Like a kiss from you or a sip of wine
Like getting lost in the moment or stuck in time
It's time's like these that make it worth waiting for
Yeah it's time's like these that make it of any worth at all

What's the definition of a memory
when it comes it's blurred
but it's feels so strong
when I tastes you're skin,
pressed you up that wall
I don't care if I have to wait
When I made you blush it was worth the pain

Tell me

Please, tell me more

I'll play your favorite song

# One in the Hood G....

Thu, 15 Jul 2004 10:32:41 GMT

wow, today just sucked except two parts. Nothing went right when it went to the show, except the show. Got to Colin's at 3:30 after i picked up Paul. Then i went to Parv's work and had to wait an hour to get his and Jo's money. After that i was in a bad mood and needed to get a better one, so i did the only thing that would make me happy, visited Andrea. Gorgeous. Went back to Colin's around 5. We didn't end up leaving till 6, and got there like at 7:30, like 2 1/2 hours late. Then we just waited to go on while getting some food in Hollywood and just watching the other bands. Show when pretty good, i went more nuts onstage then i have before, and it was fun, and worth the energy. Then we go IN N OUT, dropped everything off at Colin's, then went home. No i'm tired and have to get some sleep finally, so... F THIS GAME!

Edit - I'm so sore this morning, i need to start working out again.

Was it Playful and Flirty, or Degrading and Dirty, I Know You Like it Both Ways...

Wed, 14 Jul 2004 19:46:32 GMT

You know what's a good feeling? When someone picks you out of any other guy. Though i might feel bad cause someone got hurt, it's still a good feeling cause she wants to be happy and hopefully i can do that for her.

Show tonight at The Knitting Factory. Should be fun, if anyone wants to come show start around 7 or 8 i believe and we go on at 11.

Time to go sell more tickets and to make someone blush.

Ouch... hot hot hot...

Mon, 12 Jul 2004 00:32:32 GMT

I'm unevenly sun burnt, damn me falling asleep in the sun and not putting sun screen on right! {=^(

But hey, red is a color, and i need color!

Blushing's Not a bad thing... i don't think...

Sun, 11 Jul 2004 00:48:33 GMT

Interesting weekend so far i'd have to say.

Wed - Awesome Fallen Idle Practice. We're making two new songs. One should be ready by Wed. at The Knitting Factory. Come see!

Thurs - Went to Alexis house to watch Event Horizon. Ok, i remember seeing the movie when i was like 12 in the theater's and it scared the life force from my body. But wow, that movie was actually pretty corny. Didn't scare me a bit, it was more funny then scary. Then we watched some other movie and parted ways.

Fri - Job hunting and a bunch of running around. Then I saw Anchor Man with Parv, and them. That's one of the funniest movies I've ever seen in my life. Then I finally got to Andrea's Pool Party at her house, and i thought i was only gunna stay for a little bit, but i haven't seen her in forever so i hung out with her, which actually felt really good. Greg showed up and i helped her clean up. Oh and i saw Micaela, Anne, and Alyssa too, which was nice, i haven't seen any of them in a long time. But yeah, it was good seeing her.

Sat - So today i saw Anchor Man again with Andrea, she didn't like the dog kicking part too much. But yeah, that movie is awesome the second time also. Dropped her off and said my goodbye, and and here now. And looking for something to do, soooooo.... F THIS GAME YO!!!

"..I'll never need to see the sun again
there's enough light in your eyes to light up our little world
so take me, take me away
kill me slowly and i'll never be the same..."

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 19:24:07 GMT

I	Innocent
D	Dreamy
L	Luscious
E	Edgy
M	Meek
I	Innocent
K	Kinky
E	Entertaining

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

TAKE IT!

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 01:56:44 GMT

How Kinky are you? Well here's a way to find out, go and take it!

http://www.hotlanta.com/kinktest.htm

I got 255! So i have sweet hints of a kinky nature!

Second Chances - Consiquence of these Actions

Wed, 07 Jul 2004 07:12:42 GMT

Should we be so lucky as to have a second or third chance? Do we even deserve them? I honestly believe we should and should not. As humans, we experiment using life's intersections to turn what direction we think is the right. We test these demons inside of us to see what comes of it, no matter the consequence. From this we're scarred, be it good or bad, this imprints our memory to decipher right from wrong. This is where the second chance comes in.

If the similar situation presents it's self, we have a second choice, even if the first choice was right. This overactive imagination. Everyone's mind is different in it's entirely. What one person think's is right could be designated wrong by someone else or in between by passives. Some are age old questions that will turn into fruitless filibusters. But what if it's a wrong choice, and yet given that second choice, does the same exact thing. Will they ever learn, does it take two times to get it down? There's some people that will never be able to tell right from wrong, good from bad. What about them? You can't punish them on something they can't control.

I think to all these kinds of people, we all have will power. We have a choice everyday, from what shirt to wear, to what we want to do with our lives. Everyday is a choice, even waking up or sleeping. Some are obvious, and some are yin and yang, opposite yet have a little of the other inside. I believe in our nature, as humans, and a conscience entity able to reason, we are giving both good and evil instincts. It's how we see the world use these, that we let one develop over the other. Everyone is suitable for change. If your in a dark place, shine some light. If your good, do something daring, something you thought you'd never do. It's this choice that makes us different then anything/anyone.

"...I Have This Way Of Carring On, These Fruitless Passions Rippen From the Vine...

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 10:24:01 GMT

...And The Sweetest Nectar Turns To Bitter Wine, But Still We Drink, We Drip the Bottle Dry, We Smashed It Apart, and Licked the Sides, Recycled Lover Expiring the Night..."

The last few days have been interesting.

Sat - After finally sleeping, i hung out at home for a while. After that i went to Meet up with Shannon, Derek, a couple others to watch the Fireworks in Moorpark. After that I went to some party, aka kick back with Johnny and had some of the most pointless conversations in my life, one being about how this guy couldn't eat Jello cause the texture, that one hurt my brain. Came home, slept.

Sun - Chilled at home most the day. Watch a sweet italian movie then got my ass up to a block party with Johnny, Adam, Julia and Brad. After some shady accounts of alcohol theft, July, Johnny and I went to a few parties, Johnny and I got pretty fucked up. We ended up at some chicks house getting messed up with a couple people, so then Johnny and I walk back ot his house, which i'm surprised how sober i got. Went home, then i was both my brother's personal taxi for an hour. After that went home and slept and good sleep.

Mon - Woke up and forgot i had to go to band practice. My bad. Just stayed home the whole day resting from yesterday, getting shit done. Tomorrow i have to job search and get a job by the end of the week. But till then... FUCK THIS GAME!

At First You Don't, You Don't Succeed, You Gotta Recreate Your Misery

Sat, 03 Jul 2004 13:32:03 GMT

Well well well, it's fucking around 6:15 a.m. and i'm about to go to bed.

Thurs - Sweet band practice with Fallen Idle. The new song's commin out great. Other then that just ran places and chilled and stayed up till around 5 am.

Fri - Woke around 2pm. Was supposed to go to the beach with Shannon but slept through all my calls. Ran some more places, then got ready and went to practice with my band. I love how every practice turns into story time, it's awesome. So yeah, we pack up and leave for the show, and when we got there we were like "ummm... ok...." cause it was really small and kinda hidden, but the inside had like a bar/Cobalt feel to it. Drank some Red Bull and met up with such awesome kids as Chris to the H., Greg, Derek, and Parv/Jo's whole crew. Insignia fucking rocked the set and a lot of people showed up. Danced with friends and Ryan and Eitan came in. So we went up and what i thought was going to be a lame show turned out surprisingly really good, everyone liked us, and I sounded better then I've sound the last couple shows, made me happy. After that we all went to In N Out minus Paul and Colin, and some others, then come home.

Sat - So it's 12am and I'm driving home i'm thinking, "my parents left around 7pm for the weekend, sooo... shit!" and my predictions where correct, i come home and there's a shit load of people at my house, my brother's having a party. So i just chill at first then a bunch of fags come to the door so we make them leave. And my fucking psycho neighbor comes to our door and threatens to call the cops, so we make most the people leave. I start talkin to this really hott girl but she leave with my brother and his friends. So it's around 2:30 am now and they all end up comming back here, so i end up talking to her and she's fucking awesome. She graduated from NP this year and writes and wants to play guitar and preform. Yeah, my perfect girl. So anyway for some reason my brother and his friends were here till around 6:00 in the a.m. and all just left. I think I'll see her on sunday and some block party thing. I really hope so cause i want her #.

So now for some odd reason i have a crap load of energy and it's 6:30 am. Whatever, FUCK THIS GAME!

Fri, 02 Jul 2004 22:49:40 GMT

P.S. I still need a hair cut, =(

Fallen Idle Show Tonight!

Fri, 02 Jul 2004 22:48:55 GMT

Tonight, July 2nd, Fallen Idle is playing a show at the Bullring. For those of you in the local area you may know a little about the place. It was a bar called the Firewater Inn, then it was a restaurant, and now its a club and we are headlining the first show there.

The show starts at 7:30 and we're playing at 9. Come and check out Insignia before us, they are cool guys. The cover price is $7, hope to see you there.

The Bullring is located at:
28434 Roadside Dr.
Agoura Hills, CA

Thu, 01 Jul 2004 20:20:44 GMT

i saw Napoleon Dynamite yesterday. Such a funny movie!
"Hey Napoleon, what are you drawing"
"It's a Liger"
"What's a Liger"
"It's pretty much my favorite animal, it's a mix between a tiger and a lion"

HAHAHAHA, oh my god, i'm sure at least 75% of us have done that as a kid.

Spider Man, Spider Man, Does Whatever a Spider Can...

Wed, 30 Jun 2004 10:27:10 GMT

I've been better the last couple days. I've hung out with Paul a good amount, i love that guy, great guitarist and a good friend.

We had practice today and made a new song. It's pretty kick ass, i swear, every time we make a new song it steers us in a new direction, i love it. This band is my love.

Oh, and i've hung out with Stevie the last couple days. We watched Donnie Darko with Colin, awesome guy, and his gf. Yesterday we hung out and went to Evan's house with such characters as Paul, Massi, Parv, and others. And today she came to our practice and saw Spider Man 2 with us. That movie was pretty bad ass i would have to say, besides some parts, but i mean it's a superhero movie, u expect that. Probably the best superhero movie i've seen.

Also and other plus, i saw Andrea! She looks great and it was great seeing her, hopefully her and i can hang out more.

So anyway, it's 3:30 in the am and i'm tired as all hell in a hand basket so..... FUCK THIS GAME!!!

Tue, 29 Jun 2004 20:50:46 GMT

ok, i need a fucking hair cut, is anyone good at cutting hair, if so i'll let u cut it! So who wants to?

I'm sorry...

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 20:41:43 GMT

I've realized I've been at fault of things that I never realized I came close to, because of my own blind and selfishness reasoning. I sit here complaining that all these foundations are crumbling around me, my friends, family, work and everything. And it's honestly very very sad that I realize that now, this is all my fault, everything. When I'm bitter at other people for having what I want, I have no right to, cause it's my fault I didn't do anything in the first place. When I get into other peoples problems to back the other up, realizing not only am I backing the wrong person up, but I shouldn't even be involved. I cause more drama then it's worth I don't see why I do it when all I want is to just be detached from it. It's saddened me to see what I've sacrificed because of this. My Job, my friends, my family and more, always blaming everything on someone else when I'm the one at fault. I need to wake up from this fucking fantasy that I'm always right, distorting emotions/facts and my self. Cause right now, I'm very wrong and troubled, and I don't know what I'll do with my self. All I can say is sorry to everyone I've known. I feel my friendship isn't worth it anymore, cause I'll do is distroy it anyway. In my opinion, I'm sorry friends, I've failed.